VENT HERE!!!

[artymon I\/]

^You're gorgeous.

Man...I feel bad, that I've become just really short lately with people, kinda like...I'm fed up and taking it out on everyone. And you know what, I am sick of it. I'm sick of these self-centered rich snobs thinking they can get whatever they want as if it's just their due.

That they just walk up and assume they'll get what they want.

But, to a degree, I'm disappointed in myself. I should have been paying more attention to what happened to my matrix, that was part of what threw me off. All of a sudden it disappears and poof, I can't do my dispatch magic.

I dunno....guess I'm tired of putting on the show. Back in the Dark Days, that was all that kept me going, was coming to work and pretending to be happy, like what Elsa said in Frozen, Put on a show, make one wrong move and everyone will know.

More and more I think about getting in a plane and going literally anywhere, maybe California, or France or Ireland or anywhere, then keep going, keep moving around and traveling the world.
Preferably with you, love...

[Battery]

I need to breathe, and stop angry-shaking.

And @Amy, you're super pretty and also just genuinely a nice, fun person to be around

[Amber Root]

Hahaha

No, I do not want to sing with you.

[artymon I\/]

^But we could do an angry musical number together

I feel kind of foolish thinking I ever had a chance with the Palindrome Princess. Am I that much of a loser...well to a degree, mayhap. (Hm...mayhap is like a combination of maybe and perhaps....I wonder, is perbe a thing?) I'm over that now. What I really...

Kurt Vonnegut said you should write to please just one person. Anymore and your story gets sick and dies. I see the wisdom of that. If you try to make too many people happy, the story will be pulled thin and rip like an old bed sheet being used as a trampoline in an apartment fire.

Maybe that's why I feel like I've been having so much trouble with Finding Home. I mean...I can still sum up here what has to happen/will happen....

My problem seems to be that I get hung up on details, going as detailed as possible with the process of going from A to B.

I need my blasted Editor back. Joey is fine, but he doesn't offer a lot of constructive criticism and my Mexican querida has yet to offer any review, despite appearing to be eager to read my tales...not that I hold that against her, I know she's busy (vury busy)....I want my Editor. And I know my Editor wants my stories...or did. Well, as one pirate put it, a man unwilling to fight for what he wants, deserves as he gets.

As it is, big things could be coming!!!!! I hope I can convince Nancy to go for the Dispatch Pilot Program...and that FDL can be a thing.

EDIT:/

[pauses and stares at screen, composing thoughts]

Not much to compose, really. It comes back to some of the same stuff. Mostly I keep thinking about getting in a vessel and sailing away. Does that mean I'm no better than my little runaway? In a way I suppose we all have things we want to run from.

I don't blame the runaway as much as I used to. It used to hurt a lot. Okay, it still does. I'd say something cheesy like 'understanding eases the blow' but then I'd just be trying to convince myself and sound entirely full of balivernes.

Would you have been interested in hopping aboard and sailing away with me? I'm entirely serious. Everyday a new adventure. Colin reminded me though that sailing isn't always fun and games either. Such a lifestyle requires dedication and perseverance. He said that it had its fair share of trials and ups and downs...but that it helps put things in perspective.

I dunno. It's becoming my happy fantasy. Sail around the world. Relish the views, experience the culture. Keep the day to day world fresh without lingering and becoming too stagnant. Would that get to be old though? Sailing and being surrounded by water?

It's evening, we're moored at a dock, maybe on the French Riviera or in Greece somewhere. The sun is sinking into the sea. We're topside resting in our chairs, sipping wine or rum, relaxing from a full day of exploring the town and surfing. I'm strumming (badly) my acoustic, you start off humming along, recognizing the tune, then begin singing.

In that moment, it's perfect. Until the missile strikes the bay, plunging us into darkness as lights are knocked out and a surge of water spills over the lip of our ship and -

.....how did we go from....to.....

[confused]

Clearly my mind is in a writing mood.

[Amber Root]

I feel alone when my friends are away traveling Europe. I can't even go see my vocal coach to cheer me up :./// Why? She's in Europe too. aHA

[artymon I\/]

I'm getting a glimpse of the future....and I don't like what I see.

[Amber Root]

I always end up coming on here while im breaking down

it seems im here more often now

[FowlStar]

^^^ we always love you.

[artymon I\/]

What is with me....am I that self destructive or hateful of myself...

Y'know....sailing fantasies aside (because let's face it, that's all they are...fantasies), I'd love to be one of the stunt people for shows like Sinbad or Indiana Jones. That would be a dream job. Who knows, maybe I could just quit and runaway to Disney or Universal....

[Amber Root]

My 24 year old friend died this morning, my bird, and no one thought it was a good idea to wake me up.

[artymon I\/]

I noticed a few skips in my cassette on side two. No biggie. Just re-record them.
Man....this week has been a bit of a rollercoaster. Started off pretty sucky. I feel terrible over the whole money thing...more than anything, I hate how it makes us look like colossal dunderheads.

Then the drama with maintenance. You white haired creep. I was hesitating about issuing the plane, on the verge of coming up with something, anything, and you go suggestively point out that it's right there, then yell at me for deviating? Go p i s s up a rope. No wonder your mate of 40 years quit and went to work just down the runway.

And there's the seemingly ever going proposal that seems to have been hanging in limbo for at least five months. Now, four of those months I understand. That's when Frau Blucher was at the reigns, but now that she's out and a more reasonable CM is in, there still has been jack all about my proposal. Part of me almost feels like K is just jerking my chain, placing the carrot in front of me for faux motivation. Now apparently K met with the new CM and he....I forget the exact terminology here....I believe he liked the idea, bottom line. But instead of it being officially approved, it has to go through ANOTHER meeting, this one with the Assistant CM...like for heaven's sake! How many people does this have to go through? Why is is P's thing seemed to go smoother? I know I'm asking something bigger, but come on! I work just as hard as anyone else!
Now, this meeting was supposed to happen originally on Mondayish, but got pushed to Thursday (today). Surprise, surprise: It never. Bloody. Happened.

There were some really nice things that happened though. One of the Swiss guys brought some good chocolate in, Anna, bless her soul, brought cupcakes, and one of the Swiss Leads told me the Swiss students gave me a glowing review saying how awesome and helpful I was for their training. That legit made my week much brighter.

Still a bit annoyed about the continuing delays surrounding the Proposal, but I'm touched someone at least notices that I try.

[/end rant]

EDIT

[start rant]

So my work has said, in so many words, we value you as an employee....but not that much.

My proposal was denied. In the same week, I received an awesome review from the Swiss.

I guess....in all reality, I hadn't really expected the proposal to go through. It had been one of those "shoot for the stars" sort of things. Especially I hadn't expected it when N was in office.

But with the shift of management....and the way it wasn't immediately shot down, just kept getting delayed...it kinda gave me hope.

Part of me really wanted to just d'arvit and bail. Go the gym, then the beach. But I'm too pragmatic for that. What would I do tomorrow? Gym and beach, aye, but I'd have to get another job eventually, and any job I were to get wouldn't have as good benefits...but would I be any happier/satisfied?

I still consider the culinary life. Sure, I might not have the Remy-senses of Ratatouille, but I liked the cooking process well enough. Slicing, dicing, mixing, making, cooking, baking....it was fun. Now yeah, that's 8 hours on your feet constantly moving versus 8 in a chair barely moving a hair (not that I don't have my run-around days there...)....

I tell ya,some of my happy days were at OTC and maccas.

I think about sailing too. Like Odd Thomas's borrowed visions of opening an ice cream parlour in memory of Stormy.

*squints at underlined red*

Parlour or parlor? Ah, parlour must be a British spelling.

But aye, that would be the life, sailing. Everyday a new adventure. Travel to a sunny local, explore local cultures, hang around, make memories, collect mementos. Then sail out and repeat the process.

By day surf waves, hike trails, explore towns and local sites of historical significance, by night relax in a mooring with a glass of wine or rum, idly strumming a guitar...

Roxy: No video games though.

I mean....you could probably hook up a small TV and power it via solar/windvanes. If nothing else, you could do laptop PC gaming. I'm a simple gamer. You could give me a choice of five games and I'd make do, cherie.

Alas, that kind of lifestyle requires an income of some sort.

Bahaah, still, it'd be fun. I'd have a little cassette deck installed, be alternatively playing shanties, oldies, and classic rock. I'd call my vessel the Jolly Rocker.

Colin: *raises hand to argue point...then thinks better of it*

[/end rant]

[Josephine Fowl]

for the past week and a half, i've been living with some distant relatives that i honestly can't remember ever meeting until a few weeks before moving in
and today, they have politely asked me to quickly find somewhere else to live, because apparently our lives aren't compatible - they think i'm ignoring them (which i'm not, i'm just never home, really busy with university, which is why i'm here in the first place, really exhausted from said university, and i've just never been a particularily talkative person, especially with people i barely know and don't have anything in common with)
so now, i feel like my life is once again falling apart - i just barely managed to pick up most of the pieces of my mental health before i moved here and started university - because we've only just started classes literally today and while they don't want me gone immediately, they want me gone soon.
i kind of understand where they're coming from - i haven't really helped out with housework, but tbh i expected them to at least ask or tell me that they needed/wanted help. i know that might be selfish thinking, but in the places i've lived previously, it's always been like that so i just expected it to be like that here too.
but i really don't understand why they feel like i ignore them. i always answer questions, maybe not always verbally but i nod or shake my head at yes and no questions that i don't feel need elaboration. i just
i'm really lost and really sad and upset and kind of angry with myself for not realizing that they felt like i was overstaying my welcome.

[artymon I\/]

Me at the moment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cw4IM3PEuJQ

Seems like there's no way out, no way to get ahead. No escape.

[FowlStar]

this place used to be home. i really miss it, it was my first home ever.

i come here when things aren't okay. if not to be with the people i loved then to remember. just to remember.

[Josephine Fowl]

on the surface i am okay
i am steady, in control
but deep down the currents
of the sea that is my mind
are strong and neverending
my exterior is controlled
my inside is always moving

and all the things that i am
and all the things that i was
are being thrashed about
i am the calm sea
i am the wild storm
and i am ever changing
and never-ending