"Fake" sexualities

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lackingimagination
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"Fake" sexualities

Post by lackingimagination » Fri 25th Jan 2013

recently on a different site, i witnessed a huge fight/debate. it started when somebody said that "demisexuality and asexuality aren't real and the people who claim them just have idiotic fears of intimacy", as i directly quote. obviously some individuals took offense at that, and some others started to come to the OP's defense, and it basically turned into a giant 15-way brawl that deteriorated into a petty name-calling and snarking contest.
it sparked my interest, though. and i'm using it as a discussion-starter now: do you agree with what the original thread-starter said--that asexuality and demisexuality aren't real? or do you disagree?
opinions?

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Re: "Fake" sexualities

Post by Bang Your Drum » Sat 26th Jan 2013

They're real.
Besides if someone doesn't want to be "intimate" it's not idiotic they could have a very good reason besides their sexuality. And being "intimate" being in a close relationship doesn't equal being sexually involved with someone.
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Re: "Fake" sexualities

Post by Battery » Sat 26th Jan 2013

That's what I was going to say, there are other kinds of intimacy (even other kinds of physical intimacy) than sexual. Also, from what I understand, some asexual individuals don't even mind participating in some forms of sex with their partner, though it isn't the same for them and it's pretty much entirely for the other's benefit.
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artymon I\/
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Re: "Fake" sexualities

Post by artymon I\/ » Thu 2nd Mar 2017

I think the confusion of whether this sexuality or that gender identity is real comes from the individual themselves being perhaps confused on what they are. I mean heck, who knows exactly what they want and will be in life? Which isn't to say the identities aren't real. Just that some...note: some, not all...are unsure of what they really are or want attention or to feel special or something obscure.

Course, everyone has their personal perceptions and sees what they want. I'm reminded of Friedrich Nietzsche, in that he said you have your way, I have mine, and as for the right way, it does not exist.
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HollyShort9
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Re: "Fake" sexualities

Post by HollyShort9 » Fri 22nd Jun 2018

I wouldn't be so arrogant as to call it "fake", but I don't understand some of them, like demisexuality. To me, it just sounds more like you're interested in a long-term relationship and not interested in flings? So wouldn't you still just be heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual or whatever you were?

To make my question clearer - I'm heterosexual, but for me as a person, I'm not interested in just any guy even though I'm only attracted to men. I wouldn't date him if I didn't feel very close to him. And, again me as a person, I wouldn't "hook up" with anyone outside of a relationship. But I'm still heterosexual...

That one just confuses me, I guess. :lol:
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Re: "Fake" sexualities

Post by Josephine Fowl » Sun 8th Jul 2018

HollyShort9 wrote:
Fri 22nd Jun 2018
I wouldn't be so arrogant as to call it "fake", but I don't understand some of them, like demisexuality. To me, it just sounds more like you're interested in a long-term relationship and not interested in flings? So wouldn't you still just be heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual or whatever you were?
As someone who identifies as demisexual, allow me to try to explain.

When you're not on the ace-spectrum - which is where demisexuality falls - sexual attraction is a very normal thing, and can even happen instantly - falling for a person you've only seen once in your life and immidiately thinking "oh wow, they're hot".
In the ace-spectrum it is not. If you're fully asexual, you never experience sexual attraction to anyone.
When you're demisexual, it's more like "I've been friends with this person for quite some time and never felt any attraction (sometimes not even romantic) and now suddenly I am". You need a strong emotional connection with that person, you know their values, their opinions, and who they truly are. It might only take a few weeks, but it could also take years for it to begin.

Sure, this also happens within other sexualities - you can suddenly develop feelings for an old friend, even if you're not demisexual.

I've had very few people I've been attracted to in my life. Three in total. All three I had known for an extended period of time before any sort of attraction even started.
One I had known for a two months, we'd been really close friends, and then suddenly my brain is like "This person is really sweet and fun, time for romantic feelings too!"

The second, I'd known for 6 months. We met through my best friend of 13 years, who was sure we'd be fast friends. We were, and now we've been dating for over 4 years.

The third - the very first person I was ever attracted to - was my best friend of ten years. We'd gone to school together since we were six years old.. And then, not long after I turned sixteen, my feelings changed from friendly to something else.

Another thing very common in demisexuality is also not understanding things like hook-up culture - how you can just kiss and whatever with someone you don't even know - because it's the key part of demisexuality: knowing the person. Knowing their heart, their intent.

Idk if this makes sense to you guys at all.
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Re: "Fake" sexualities

Post by HollyShort9 » Fri 13th Jul 2018

Josephine Fowl wrote:
Sun 8th Jul 2018
Another thing very common in demisexuality is also not understanding things like hook-up culture - how you can just kiss and whatever with someone you don't even know - because it's the key part of demisexuality: knowing the person. Knowing their heart, their intent.

Idk if this makes sense to you guys at all.
The rest of it makes sense to me, but this paragraph is what I was kinda trying to say earlier - I'm still heterosexual, but I'm disgusted by the idea of kissing a guy I don't know and love. For me it's like, "Personal space please!" So I guess that's where I get a little confused.

But overall, you would define demisexuality as not experiencing attraction at all unless someone is close to you? Do you still look at someone and go, they're aesthetically pleasing, just not for me?

Thank you for explaining and dialoguing. :razz:
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Re: "Fake" sexualities

Post by Josephine Fowl » Sun 15th Jul 2018

The rest of it makes sense to me, but this paragraph is what I was kinda trying to say earlier - I'm still heterosexual, but I'm disgusted by the idea of kissing a guy I don't know and love. For me it's like, "Personal space please!" So I guess that's where I get a little confused.[/quote]

I think it's just a very normal experience in demisexuality - that doesn't mean you can't experience it too! I have a lot of friends from college who'd be with a new one night stand every weekend and while I never brought it up, I just didn't understand at all. How you can be with a person, you don't know. But I guess that's how it is for a lot of people in general, haha.
HollyShort9 wrote:
Fri 13th Jul 2018
But overall, you would define demisexuality as not experiencing attraction at all unless someone is close to you? Do you still look at someone and go, they're aesthetically pleasing, just not for me?
Pretty much yes, it's probably how you'd summorize it in a sentece.
I can find people aesthetically pleasing, just like everyone else, but that's very different from thinking that I'd want to be with that person.

That's actually how my friend helped me define my sexuality. For a long time I thought I was bisexual but I've never experienced romantic or sexual attraction to people I don't know or have just met.

This isn't as coherent or thought-through as my other response, but I hope you understand, otherwise feel free to ask me to elaborate. :)
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Re: "Fake" sexualities

Post by HollyShort9 » Tue 24th Jul 2018

Josephine Fowl wrote:
Sun 15th Jul 2018

I think it's just a very normal experience in demisexuality - that doesn't mean you can't experience it too! I have a lot of friends from college who'd be with a new one night stand every weekend and while I never brought it up, I just didn't understand at all. How you can be with a person, you don't know. But I guess that's how it is for a lot of people in general, haha.
LOL, this is my experience too. I'm just a very private person and need my personal space. Sometimes even in relationships, I'm like, "please remain within 400 feet thanks." Perhaps I'm just odd :lol: :lol:

Thank you for explaining! :awesome:
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