Where Are You Now?

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xox Miss Livia xox
Queen of Wonderland
Posts: 7100
Joined: Sat 8th Dec 2007
Gender: Female
Location: A shrouded ship, disappearing upon the sea.

Where Are You Now?

Post by xox Miss Livia xox » Sun 23rd Apr 2017

A somber song, a long night, tender wounds and fond memories. Just a little rambling and spewing forth torrents of endless words. This was the most cohesive thing to emerge. Enjoy, or don't. Just something I had to get out of my head and to see it in words.

The comfort of ignorance can be a godsend.

She was no-one, a stranger, another face filling the room. Another client with a coffee in hand and part of the scene. One of the comforts of cities. You could exist and disappear in the same instant.
The warmth of the afternoon sun on her back, the soft glow of the afternoon surrounding her and the shop. The window a literal membrane between her and the passing life outside.

The chair scraped across from her and her heart suddenly increased pace.
‘I didn’t think you would want to be near me.’ She said. There was no coldness in her tone, no sarcasm or hurt or anything. She stated it as more an observation or fact.

He shrugged, his hands clutching the cup in front of him. There was silence for a moment, as if they were both processing their immediate situation, ‘I didn’t think you’d be here either.’

A silence befell them. Thousands of words, millions of thoughts, all spanned that silence, but fell short into the abyss of the silence. He played with the label around his coffee, tugging at an edge and his eyes focused intensely on it as if it were the most important thing he had to do. Her eyes wandered across him, as if remembering every feature like it was new, before her eyes went to the window like aquarium, observing the people wandering past like schools of fish.

‘Why are we doing this?’ He suddenly asked, his eyes still hidden under the hair. She would say he looked like a petulant child, fiddling with his cup and looking at her as if she’d told him he can’t go play with his friends today.

‘Doing what?’ She asked, ‘Drinking coffee in the same breathing space?’

He exhaled, sitting upright, ‘You know what I mean.’

‘You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to be.’ It was her turn to shrug, ‘I don’t… I don’t really know why we’re doing this either.’

‘You can’t stay out of my life, can you?’

‘Pardon?’ She scowled, not liking his tone, ‘Look, you were the one that sat down with me and—‘

‘— That’s just it, no matter where we go, we’re always crossing paths somehow. One way or another.’ He put the pilots cap down on the table, ‘Even in the bloody sky, I can’t avoid you.’

‘If I’m such a disease, then go to your gate now and forget you even saw me.’ She leant forward, hating that the poison was lacing her tongue, but that rage he managed to spoke like a campfire in the coldest night raced into her heart, ‘But you can’t, can you? No matter what, you always see me. And I you. No matter what, we’re always entwined. There’ll always be that character, that song, that story, whether it’s Hollywood or fanmade or—‘

‘— Stop.’ He spat, a fist curled next to his cup, ‘Why do we keep doing this?’

She leant back, sighing, kneading her head. ‘I don’t know. I wish I could tell you.’ She looked at him, remorseful, ‘Why is it we can connect so well and then the next we’ll tear each other to pieces with one provocation from the wrong things? Why do we find the heart and rip it out when we fight?’

He shook his head, looking back at his cup.


‘Are you alright?’

He glanced up, visibly confused, ‘What?’

‘Are you.. Is everything alright? Are you doing good with life?’

‘Don’t.’ His brow furrowed. Damn her, not this circle again, they were always locked in this eternal circle and he knew where it was headed, ‘Don’t play this game with me again. Don’t pretend you give a damn and just want to know I’m ok—‘

‘— For the love of god, you were the one who wanted to cut ties. I made it very obvious how I felt, you wanted it to be something else, and I have no ill thoughts or will towards you afterwards. I genuinely do hope you’re doing well. I genuinely do feel bad about what happened. The miserable thing is, it did happen, and there’s nothing that can be said or done to change that. We’re both adults, mate, don’t be a sh*tc*** about this.’

The anger broke for a moment as a large grin spread on his lips and he began to chuckle, ’S**tc***? Really?’

‘Shut up.’ She fell into laughter too, ‘It’s funny, alright.’

‘It’s too Australian, it wounds me.’

‘You love it, leave me alone about it willya?’

They both chuckled, seemingly like old friends for a moment in time.

That’s all it was, a moment.

‘Look, we both know what’s happening. We can’t keep doing this.’ He sighed softly, looking at her regretfully. She nodded, tucking loose strands of hair behind her ear.

‘We’re a paradox.’ She mused. ‘I just… I don’t know. I know there’s wounds that won’t ever be forgotten, but I just.. I feel like I need to tell you. There’s some things that I want to tell you and then I remember that even though you’re the only one who will understand.. I can’t interfere. I don’t want to interfere. I want things to get better for you, and I know I’ll ruin everything. If I step in, then things get complicated and I’ll ruin progress. That you don’t want to speak to me and it’s for the best this way. I just.. I miss—‘ She stopped herself, looking away, ‘Never mind.’

‘It’s like a goddamn Spiderman issue.’

She shook her head with an exasperated smile, ‘Yes. Exactly.’

She reached over and touched his hand gently, and he seemingly recoiled, unsure whether he should allow it, he did miss it, or whether to be mad, or uncomfortable. He was just uncertain. She drew her hand back.

‘After what happened…’ He began, unsure how to proceed, ‘You know what I felt. You know what it meant to me. And for you to just leave me hanging and—‘

‘ — For f**s sake, don’t you dare.’ She snapped, crossing her arms on the table, ‘You were just as much to blame as I was, but you refused to accept any of the blame!’

‘You were the one who invited me!’

‘And you were the one who assumed something from nothing!’ She clenched her eyes shut, curling a fist to calm herself, ‘Why do you keep dragging these weights back up? They’re in the goddamn past where they belong. You always carry every single one of them as anchors, and they’ll keep you dragging behind until you drown. Then that’s all you’ll have left. Anger, resentment, bitterness.’

‘I was hurt.’ He said through clenched teeth.

‘Newsflash, dork! So was I!’ She snarled, ‘You don’t think I cried? That I didn’t hate every second of fighting? I did, but you and I both know that neither of us could resolve this. The ship was burning to fast, too many cannons hurled and blasted holes in both our hulls, what else—’

‘ — My birthday.’


‘My birthday.’

‘What does that have to do with anything?’

He glowered at her, ‘You don’t remember at all, do you?’

‘The fight? Yes, I do, and it’s the second of December, because you were the second on the ship.’

His eyes somewhat widened, and saw her eyes widen as well, ‘… What?’

‘Nothing.’ She tried to brush it aside, ‘ I don’t want to keep dragging these arguments up anymore.’ She sighed, her shoulders slumping and looking exhausted, ‘I just.. I want you to know I’ve moved past it. I’m not asking you to forgive me or to do the same or even respond to it. All I’m saying is that I hope that even though our paths cross, I hope that we can be like people across the street from each other. To just wave, to say hello, and just hope things are going well.’

He looked at her for the longest time, searching those wild eyes that once entranced him.

Words seemed too much then, there were too many and too few. Not the right ones and yet the perfect ones. An endless stream, a word, a sentence, an entire monologue perhaps?

Not quite.

He simply smiled.

“Where are you now, where are you now? Do you ever think of me in the quiet in the crowd?”
- Mumford and Sons, “Where Are You Now”
"People are gonna tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say, "No, this is who I am". You want people to look at you differently? Make them! You want to change things, you're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world." - Emma Swan, Once Upon A Time.
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