Jokes!!!

Want to have a laugh? Know a funny link youd like to share? All in here!
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BlackOpal
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by BlackOpal » Fri 21st Nov 2008

Haha, it also relates to the Zeno problem.
I laughed. :)
Thanks to darvit and /b/for my signature. :D
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The redeem3r
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by The redeem3r » Fri 12th Dec 2008

I notice I've been obsessed with Chuck Norris recently. Hence, these awesome Chuck Norris jokes. (I Copied and pasted. I don't mean to offend ANYONE with these jokes.)

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God peeing his pants.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s *** halfway through the first chapter.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
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The reasons aliens haven't made contact with us because if a species were to become space-faring, they would have no doubt realized that bickering and warring is primitive. They realize that any interaction with humans would be met with hostility on our parts. Only when we can put aside our differences and tear down our borders will be find what we are looking for.

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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by nutrino » Sun 14th Dec 2008

two things-one, how long did that take you, and two, who's Chuck Norris. i only ever heard of him in Dodgeball.
Hello again.

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Captain Short 711
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by Captain Short 711 » Mon 15th Dec 2008

would you rather be locked in a cage with a bomb inside it or be trapped in a cage of really hungry lions who havn't eaten in two years?

*insert your Answer*

I'd rather be with the lions because if they haven't eaten in two years, they'd have starved!!

Sorry, heard that one today...
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HollyShort9
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by HollyShort9 » Tue 23rd Dec 2008

LOL, I have a sudden burst of Dane Cook obsession.
Wheeeeeee... listen to this (This isn't the exact wording, but the moral remains the same):

"Everybody's had crappy jobs, right? I mean, you have to do 'em.
And you know how at every job, there's the creepy guy?
And you know what? It's always the SAME CREEPY GUY.
You know, you walk into your new job and see him behind the desk, he waves and goes like 'Hi!' and you go like 'OH MY GAWD. THAT'S THE GUY FROM THE OLD JOB. OH MY GAWD HE'S LOOKING MY WAY! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHY AM I TALKING IN SUCH A HIGH VOICE! IT'S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!'
People always avoid that guy. Whenever he walks in the break room, you go like 'Hey, wanna--wanna get the f*ck out of the breakroom? Huh? Let's--let's go breakdance on the roof or something!' to your friends.
But not me. I find the guy on purpose. I talk to him. I walk up to him and say, 'Hey, here's a Snickers bar. Chocolate, carmel, nuts... put that in your mouth. You enjoy that.'
Because when the day comes that he finally snaps and bursts into work with his machine gun *PSHW PSHW PSHW* and he finally gets to my office... he'll lean in and say...
'thanks for the candy... *moves on*' *PSHW PSHW PSHW PSHW*
*Everyone in crowd laughs*
Oh you're laughing now, but you know that next week, you'll say 'Hey Marcus. How was your weekend? How are you? Here I brought you a crazy pen for your crazy pocket *hands him pen*. I know you love pens. We should sit down and talk about pens sometimes. Inks, caps, cartridges... I love 'em.'"

DANE COOK=PWNESS.

(You should hear his "Creepy guy at work" one, "Not-so-kool-aid" one, and his "Burger King" one. Look em up on YouTube.)
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we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.

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p5ychic
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by p5ychic » Sat 27th Dec 2008

HollyShort9 wrote:LOL, I have a sudden burst of Dane Cook obsession.
Wheeeeeee... listen to this (This isn't the exact wording, but the moral remains the same):

"Everybody's had crappy jobs, right? I mean, you have to do 'em.
And you know how at every job, there's the creepy guy?
And you know what? It's always the SAME CREEPY GUY.
You know, you walk into your new job and see him behind the desk, he waves and goes like 'Hi!' and you go like 'OH MY GAWD. THAT'S THE GUY FROM THE OLD JOB. OH MY GAWD HE'S LOOKING MY WAY! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHY AM I TALKING IN SUCH A HIGH VOICE! IT'S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!'
People always avoid that guy. Whenever he walks in the break room, you go like 'Hey, wanna--wanna get the f*ck out of the breakroom? Huh? Let's--let's go breakdance on the roof or something!' to your friends.
But not me. I find the guy on purpose. I talk to him. I walk up to him and say, 'Hey, here's a Snickers bar. Chocolate, carmel, nuts... put that in your mouth. You enjoy that.'
Because when the day comes that he finally snaps and bursts into work with his machine gun *PSHW PSHW PSHW* and he finally gets to my office... he'll lean in and say...
'thanks for the candy... *moves on*' *PSHW PSHW PSHW PSHW*
*Everyone in crowd laughs*
Oh you're laughing now, but you know that next week, you'll say 'Hey Marcus. How was your weekend? How are you? Here I brought you a crazy pen for your crazy pocket *hands him pen*. I know you love pens. We should sit down and talk about pens sometimes. Inks, caps, cartridges... I love 'em.'"

DANE COOK=PWNESS.

(You should hear his "Creepy guy at work" one, "Not-so-kool-aid" one, and his "Burger King" one. Look em up on YouTube.)


No offense, HS9, but I think you're a little bit too young to be listening to Dane Cook. He's extremely inappropriate, I'm barely old enough to listen to him.

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xox Miss Livia xox
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by xox Miss Livia xox » Sun 28th Dec 2008

lol, good news week is always a riot! I recommend it...though it is M.

Alright, here's my joke:

SANTA CLAUS!!!

*crickets chirp*

O.o? Hello? Is this mike on?
"People are gonna tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say, "No, this is who I am". You want people to look at you differently? Make them! You want to change things, you're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world." - Emma Swan, Once Upon A Time.
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Miasaki-chan
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by Miasaki-chan » Sun 4th Jan 2009

A man goes into a bar and downs 13 beers. When the bartender asks him why he's drinking so fast the man replies: "You'd be drinking just as fast if you had what I have."
The bartender replied "What's that?" The man says, "75¢."
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The Prank 'I won't be supprised if you can't guess it, it was kinda triksty :P'

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xox Miss Livia xox
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by xox Miss Livia xox » Mon 5th Jan 2009

lol.


Why did the chicken cross the road?
































































































To go see the man laying brocks.

*bud-um CH!*
"People are gonna tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say, "No, this is who I am". You want people to look at you differently? Make them! You want to change things, you're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world." - Emma Swan, Once Upon A Time.
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HollyShort9
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by HollyShort9 » Tue 3rd Feb 2009

A Collection of Blonde Jokes. I did not make these up, I found them on a site.
NO OFFENSE TO BLONDES, BUT THE JOKES ARE FUNNY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, a brunette, a moviestar, the pope, and a pilot were in a plane. The plane was going down, and there were only 4 parachutes. So the pilot took one and jumped, then the moviestar took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. Since there was only one parachute left, the pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left...the blonde took my backpack and jumped."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes went to the market. While they were there, the each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would break one of the horses' legs. One of the blondes said, "Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: I wonder if it's mine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brunette-I was listening to Eminem last night
Blonde-You were listening to candy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette stood on the side of the road chanting 88, 88, 88, 88 over and over again.
A blonde drives by, sees her, backs up and pulls over.
"What are you doing?" the blonde asks.
"Chating 88," the brunette replies.
"Sounds like fun!" the blonde exclaims. So she gets out of her car and does it too.
"It's more fun if you stand in the middle of the road while you're doing it," the brunette advises her.
"Okay!" the blonde exclaims. She goes to the middle of the road. "88,88,88,8-"
SPLAT!
The brunette giggles, then continues chanting...
"89, 89, 89, 89, 89."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a blonde who walked into a hair salon to get her hair done. she said to the man "Please, I would like you to perm my hair, I'm getting sick of it!" "Alright ma'm said the hair dresser, "but I need you to take off your headphones first"

"No I can said the blonde "I have to keep them on" "Fine said the man. So he did the perm then the lady left. About two months later, the lady comes back in asking for her hair to be highlighed. The man said okay but she would have to take off the headphones. But she insisted that she keep them on.

The man did her hair then put her under the dryer. About 10 minutes later, she was fast asleep. The man was curious as to why the headphones were so important. So he took them off her head and she stoped breathing. He put the headphones on and the tape said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in breathe out...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why didn't the blonde change her babys diaper for a month?
Because the package said good for up to one month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl walked to a mans house she was doing door to door painting.
The man said "£100 pounds in your pocket if you paint my porch."
So the girl painted and knocked on the door again.
She took the money and walking off she said
"It's not a Porche, by the way, it's a Mustang."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day. The first day, the blonde does 8 miles. The boss is extremely impressed. The second day the blonde does 4 miles. The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before. The third day, the blonde does two miles. The boss thinks she is just having a bad day, so he still lets her keep the job. The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile. The boss asks, "You were doing so well before. Why aren't you doing well now?!" The blonde replies, "I can't get far because each day I'm getting further and further away from the bucket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There where these 3 blonde women that wanted to be policemen. So the blondes go into the police station for the job but first they have to pass a test. The first blonde goes in and the man asks her what she can tell about the suspect in the photo. (Note:The photo of the suspect is from the side.) So the blonde says "well he must be half blind since he only has one eye". The guy says no and that it is a side photo. So the next blonde comes in and says "well he must be hard of hearing because he only has 1 ear" The man says " no!!!, it is a side photo!!!!" So its the last blondes turn and she goes in there and looks at the photo. She says, "well, I believe that the suspect wears contacts. So the guy says, "well, I'm going to have to check on that". So he comes back and says "wow, how did you know the suspect wore contacts?" And the blonde replies, "well, it sure would be hard to buy glasses if you only have 1 eye and 1 ear"!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped on an island. While walking along the beach one day they spot a lamp in the sand. They pick it up and rub and out pops a genie. He says,"I'll grant you each one wish. What is yours?" he asks the brunette.
"I'm sick of this island - I wish to go home," she answers. Poof! She disappears.
The genie then turns to the redhead. "What is your wish he asks?"
"I'm also sick of this island, so I wish to go home, too," she replies. Poof! She disappears.
Finally, the genie asks the blonde,"What is your wish?"
She answers,"Well, I'm very lonely now. I really wish my friends were still here..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde was driving into the airport to fly somewhere and saw the sign saying 'Airport Left'.
She turned around and went home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde decides to take horseback riding lessons.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse springs into action.
The blonde starts to slip off the saddle and she tries to get a grip on the horse's mane, but can't. She slips off and her foot gets caught in the stirrup.
Her head starts getting beaten against the ground hard, and she's almost near unconsciousness..
..when the Wal-Mart manager sees her and unplugs the horse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a blonde was walking down the street. When a police officer stoped her and said miss did you realize that your blouse is open and your cleavage is hanging out. She replied oh my god I left the baby on the bus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three blondes walked into a building.
You'd swear one of them would see it....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead went hunting.
The brunette went into the forest and came out with a deer.
The blonde and the redhead asked her, "Where'd you find it?"
The brunette replies, "I followed the tracks and I found it."
The next day, the blonde and the redhead go hunting.
The redhead goes into the forest and comes out with an elk.
The blonde asks, "Where'd you find that?"
Redhead says, "I followed the tracks and I found it."
The next day, the blonde goes into the forest.
When she comes out, the brunette and the redhead ask her,
"Why are you in the hospital?"
The blonde says, "I followed the tracks and a train hit me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ONCE AGAIN, NO OFFENSE INTENDED TO BLONDES! These were so funny, though, I had to share them!
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we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.

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Miasaki-chan
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by Miasaki-chan » Wed 4th Feb 2009

The redeem3r wrote:I notice I've been obsessed with Chuck Norris recently. Hence, these awesome Chuck Norris jokes. (I Copied and pasted. I don't mean to offend ANYONE with these jokes.)

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God peeing his pants.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s *** halfway through the first chapter.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ***-kicking.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.






OMG, that is ALOT!!!!!
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The Prank 'I won't be supprised if you can't guess it, it was kinda triksty :P'

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HollyShort9
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by HollyShort9 » Mon 4th May 2009

Here's a collection of hysterical blond jokes! No offense to blonds, though. I just think the jokes are funny.



A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"






One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.




Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."






There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.







Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"



A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"




A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"




Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!




A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."






A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."







This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.

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xox Miss Livia xox
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by xox Miss Livia xox » Mon 4th May 2009

AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! ROFL!!!!
"People are gonna tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say, "No, this is who I am". You want people to look at you differently? Make them! You want to change things, you're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world." - Emma Swan, Once Upon A Time.
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Welcome aboard, lads and lasses. Let's see what adventures await us...

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SAPnotLEP
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by SAPnotLEP » Wed 6th May 2009

A riposte to the redeem3r. This is just a joke. No hard feelings.

But I hope Chuck Norris isn't offended by this. Ohhh, gawd.

Chuck Norris built Rome in a day, but Master Chief destroyed it in three minutes.
Chuck Norris may be able to roundhouse kick you yesterday, but Master Chief could own your **** any day of the week.

Chuck Norris's urine may be Red Bull, but Master Chief's sweat is Mother.

Chuck Norris may break sidewalks with one toe, but only Master Chief can destroy worlds with a throw. (This one's a rhyme!)

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s *** halfway through the first chapter. But only halfway through, because Master Chief then shot them both to the end of the series.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian. Master Chief doesn't give you a choice.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period. Because Master Chief would whup both of them to the year 3000 A.D. and back.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, only one weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris. Master Chief's hands.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer. They skipped putting Master Chief in the study because everyone would get too scared.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg. But only Master Chief can play kick the water tank.

Time for some actual jokes.

This is a purely Queenslander joke, all you soft Americans might wanna skip it.
A Tasmanian, a New South Welshman, and a Queenslander were wallking along a beach when a genie appeared. The genie says "I will grant you each one wish and one wish only."
So the Tasmanian says "My Grandfather was a fisherman, my Father was a fisherman, I fish for a living, and my son will continue the tradition. I want the sea to be full of fish for eternity."
FOOSH! The sea was absolutely teeming with fish!
The Queenslander and the New South Welshman were amazed. So the New South Welshman says, "I want a huge, indestructible wall to run all the way around New South Wales, so no idiot from the north or south to tell us how to run our state."
FOOSH! A huge wall appeared around New South Wales.
The Queenslander says, "I'm curious about this wall. Tell me about it."
The genie replies, it's 150m tall, 50m wide and designed so noone can get in or out."
The Queenslander says, "Fill it up with water."
FOOSH!...

It's funnier if you're a Queenslander. Right now, I'm in tears laughing. Seriously. I am.

One more.
There are two blondes on opposite sides of the river. One says, "How do you get to the other side?" The reply came, "Don't be stupid, you're already there!"
JOIN THE CABOOSE ARMY!
COZ EVERYONE KNOWS TUCKER DID IT!
CABOOSE: SCORE: -1.

[insert zeeky boogy doog here]

Father1005
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by Father1005 » Fri 22nd May 2009

A college student it taking a very large test at a very large university. The bell rings, signaling the end of the test, yet the student continues to work on his test. When he is done, almost ten minutes later, he goes up to hand it in to his professor. As the student is about to hand the test in, the professor says:
“You can’t turn that in now, it’s overdue!”
The student than yells angrily, “Do you know who I am?”
The professor replies, “No, I don’t.”
The student than replies, “Good.” And stick his test in the middle of the pile of turned in papers, and than sprints out of the room.

(I though this one was pretty funny.)

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