Jokes!!!

Want to have a laugh? Know a funny link youd like to share? All in here!
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017350
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by 017350 » Thu 19th Jun 2008

A Collection of Blonde Jokes

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"
________________________________________________________________________

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and Tomorrow," she replied.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
________________________________________________________________________

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, ...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
________________________________________________________________________

A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blonde said, "Hellooo…. I have windows!"
________________________________________________________________________

There once was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair red and try and trick everyone into thinking that she was a redhead.

After she dyed her hair, she went for a drive to see if she could trick anyone.

She came across a sheep herder and his herd and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your herd, can I take one home?"

The sheep herder said, "Sure!"

The blonde proudly said, "There are 345 sheep."

The sheep herder exclaimed, "Wow! That is absolutely right, so go ahead and pick a sheep to take home."

The Blonde got out, got a sheep, and put it in her car.

The sheep herder said, "Now I have a deal for you. If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

:D
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Meova
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by Meova » Sun 12th Oct 2008

Some blonde jokes from BD (Goddess, I love Jacob)

How do you erase a blonde's memory?
Blow in her ear

How do you drown a blonde?
Glue a mirror on the bottom of the lake

How do you call a blonde with a brain?
A golden retriever

How do a blonde's braincells die?
Alone
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Captain Short 711
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by Captain Short 711 » Mon 13th Oct 2008

This is a really lame joke:

two cows are grazing in a feild and one says to the other: so what do you think of this "mad-cow disease" and the other one says: I don't care! Im a helicopter!
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HollyShort9
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by HollyShort9 » Thu 23rd Oct 2008

This is a joke my bro told me.

An Indian and a cowboy are camping inside a tent. They fall asleep and the Indian wakes the cowboy up. The Indian says, "Look at the sky and tell me what you see." The cowboy says, "I see lots of stars." The Indian says, "What does that mean?" The Cowboy replies, "Well, it means that there aren't any clouds in the sky, so we're going to have good weather tomorrow. And the stars are starting to align, which also means--" The Indian cut off the Cowboy then and said, "You idiot, it means someone stole our tent!!!"

XD
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Captain Short 711
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by Captain Short 711 » Fri 24th Oct 2008

:lol: :lol: :lol: LOL!


more of my lame jokes!

Once a duck went into a restuarant and asked "do you have any grapes?"
th waiter replied "we do not allow ducks or any other animals in this restuarant so you'll have to leave!" the duck went away but came back an hour later. Again he asked "do you have any grapes?" again the waiter replied "i told you earlier we do not allow ducks in this restuarant. Go Away! If you come in here again I'll have to staple your feet to the floor!" An hour later, the duck returned and asked "do you have any staples?" the waiter replied "NO!" "Good..." said the duck, "then, do you have any grapes??"

'nother one!


Customer:how much is this DucK?

Shopkeeper: $10

Customer:Okay,Could you please send me the bill?

Shopkeeper:I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird.
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HollyShort9
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by HollyShort9 » Fri 24th Oct 2008

This isn't really a joke. More like funny line. But who cares?

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and scream "I WANT THE JONAS BROTHERS!!!"
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we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.

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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by AFTTP » Tue 4th Nov 2008

One dark night two guys were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. When they got to about the middle of the graveyard they were startled and stopped moving.

There was this terrifying noise, “TAP-TAP-TAP” coming from the shadows. Trembling with fear, they spotted an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You SCARED us half to death. We thought you were a GHOST! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!!"

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xox Miss Livia xox
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by xox Miss Livia xox » Sun 16th Nov 2008

lol, I loved those Blonde Jokes!! XD

Okay, here's one for ya:

A pig walks into a bar and sits on the counter.
"Can I please have five beers?" he asks the bar-tender. The bar -tender gives him five beers. The Pig drinks them.
"How do you drink all that?' The bar tender asks.
"A talent" The pig says. "Do you have a bathroom"?
"Sure, down the hall to the right"
The pig goes to the bathroom then leaves. Another pig comes in and sits at the bar.
"Ten beers please"
He get's the beers and drinks them.
"How do you drink all that?' The bar tender asks.
"A talent" The pig says. "Do you have a bathroom"?
The bar tender tells him and away the pig goes. he goes to the bathrrom then leaves. This happens twice more.
Another pig comes in and sits at the bar.
'25 beers please"
The bar-tender gives the pig the beers. The pig chugs them and then goes to leave.
"Hey, aren't you gonna ask me were the bathroom is?" The abr tender asks.
The pig replies,I'm the little piggy who went "wee,wee,wee,wee" All the way Home"
"People are gonna tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say, "No, this is who I am". You want people to look at you differently? Make them! You want to change things, you're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world." - Emma Swan, Once Upon A Time.
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p5ychic
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by p5ychic » Sun 16th Nov 2008

Here's a great one:

"Sarah Palin."

Had me cracking up.

But seriously:

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
"Everything smells like carrots."

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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by Lightbulb621 » Mon 17th Nov 2008

Meova wrote:Some blonde jokes from BD (Goddess, I love Jacob)

How do you erase a blonde's memory?
Blow in her ear

How do you drown a blonde?
Glue a mirror on the bottom of the lake

How do you call a blonde with a brain?
A golden retriever

How do a blonde's braincells die?
Alone



:P I love Jake! And his blonde jokes. XD
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/b/
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by /b/ » Mon 17th Nov 2008

How do you get a onehanded blond off a tree?
You wave to her :D
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by SAPnotLEP » Fri 21st Nov 2008

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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Has this one been posted before?

Two hunters were out hunting in a forest. One of them collapses and his friend, in a mad rush, picks up the phone and dials a health hotline. The receptionist asks: "Please state emergency." The hunter replies: "HELP! My friend just collapsed in the middle of a forest and we're nowhere near a hospital! What can I do?" The receptionist answers: "First, we need to make sure if he's dead."

The hunter puts down the phone. A muffled bang is heard and the hunter picks up the phone again. "Okay, he's dead. Now what do I do?..."
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Classic Australian joke:

Two friends are out camping when one of them wakes up screaming in pain. "AARGH!" he cries, "I was just bitten by a king brown! On the arse!" His friend jumps up and calls a health hotline. He explains to a receptionist what has happened and the receptionist takes him through a step-by-step procedure on how to stop the poison spreading. At step 3, the receptionist says: "Okay, now you have to suck the poison out." The man yells in disgust and turns off the call.

He walks over to his friend and says: "Sorry mate, you're gonna die."
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/b/
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by /b/ » Fri 21st Nov 2008

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.


I laughed so hard when I heard this one :D
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HollyShort9
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by HollyShort9 » Fri 21st Nov 2008

I don't get it? O.O
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we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.

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/b/
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Re: Jokes!!!

Post by /b/ » Fri 21st Nov 2008

Meh, you're probably too young. The thing is that:
Mathematicians have a law (calculation or whatever) that says that when you have that equation:
S=1+1/2+1/4+1/8+...+1/n(n-1)

where n-> Infinity

S will never be higher then 2.

Since it will be:
1
1.5
1.75
etc, but it will never reach 2


So when he gave them two glasses of beer, he gave enough for all the infinity of mathematicians. And the "you're are all idiots" is funny as hell when pronounced and actually is
1st "I'm really smart enough to know the joke"
2nd a joke at all mathematicians
3rd I'd say the same thing if a infinite amount of guys came into my bar :D

It kinda loses it's charm once explained, but that's why people who have finished higher grades laugh their brains out on this one, like I did :D
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