Jokes!!!
- HollyShort9
- Fangathering Fever patient
- Posts: 7984
- Joined: Fri 7th Dec 2007
- Gender: Female
- Location: Broadway
Re: Jokes!!!
I have some funny jokes. Here are 2 of them:
"If your daddy's cell number has nothing to do with the telephone, you might be a rednick."
"My brother sold his truck to get gas money."
And my cousin told me these 2
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a Scratch-and-Sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. The blonde'll scratch it and try to sniff it and will breathe in water.
(By the way I'm against blonde jokes but some people aren't, including my cousin, so I put that one up for people who, like my cousin, aren't against blonde jokes and will laugh if someone says one.)
This is BlackOpal, your last joke was too offensive, I had to take it out. Please don't post jokes like that.
"If your daddy's cell number has nothing to do with the telephone, you might be a rednick."
"My brother sold his truck to get gas money."
And my cousin told me these 2
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a Scratch-and-Sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. The blonde'll scratch it and try to sniff it and will breathe in water.
(By the way I'm against blonde jokes but some people aren't, including my cousin, so I put that one up for people who, like my cousin, aren't against blonde jokes and will laugh if someone says one.)
This is BlackOpal, your last joke was too offensive, I had to take it out. Please don't post jokes like that.
we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.
- HollyShort9
- Fangathering Fever patient
- Posts: 7984
- Joined: Fri 7th Dec 2007
- Gender: Female
- Location: Broadway
Re: Jokes!!!
Sorry for doublepost. My tap teacher told me this joke.
When you go into a bathroom, you're American, but while you're in the bathroom, what are you?
European!
I spoilered it just in case it was a little bit offensive... If you don't get the joke, PM me. I'll explain it.
When you go into a bathroom, you're American, but while you're in the bathroom, what are you?
European!
I spoilered it just in case it was a little bit offensive... If you don't get the joke, PM me. I'll explain it.
we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.
- /b/
- LEP Commander
- Posts: 2449
- Joined: Tue 15th Jan 2008
- Location: Dans la Boulevard de la Revolution :D
Re: Jokes!!!
It ain't offensive, it's just lame
Anyway, LOOK OUT, THIS IS A JESUS JOKE! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE THOSE JOKES!
So a company that made nails named "Irving Nails" made a commercial where you see Jesus on the cross and a guard tells to the crowd:
"He ain't moving from there, we used Irving Nails"
As soon as it was on air they got many complaints telling how that scene was repulsive and offensive and that they need to change it fast! The next day in the commercial you could see Jesus running across the desert and Romans running after him and one of them says:
"This wouldn't have happened if we used Irving Nails!"
Yeah it's lame but what can I say, I laughed
Anyway, LOOK OUT, THIS IS A JESUS JOKE! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE THOSE JOKES!
So a company that made nails named "Irving Nails" made a commercial where you see Jesus on the cross and a guard tells to the crowd:
"He ain't moving from there, we used Irving Nails"
As soon as it was on air they got many complaints telling how that scene was repulsive and offensive and that they need to change it fast! The next day in the commercial you could see Jesus running across the desert and Romans running after him and one of them says:
"This wouldn't have happened if we used Irving Nails!"
Yeah it's lame but what can I say, I laughed
- Inkheart
- Troll
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Thu 29th May 2008
- Location: Online
Re: Jokes!!!
With a Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Pete smirked and says, “I'm going to go back and get her.”
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Pete smirked and says, “I'm going to go back and get her.”
This user is .
- HollyShort9
- Fangathering Fever patient
- Posts: 7984
- Joined: Fri 7th Dec 2007
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- Location: Broadway
Re: Jokes!!!
^I got that one (for people who didn't: Pete left his wife in Beijing on their 25th anniversary), but it was kind of.. well, corny. I did giggle once, though.
we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.
- Inkheart
- Troll
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Thu 29th May 2008
- Location: Online
Re: Jokes!!!
most people probably get it. it was pretty obvious. and it was NOT corny, it was a very good joke.
This user is .
- HollyShort9
- Fangathering Fever patient
- Posts: 7984
- Joined: Fri 7th Dec 2007
- Gender: Female
- Location: Broadway
Re: Jokes!!!
^Some people think what other people think are good jokes are corny jokes, don't take it personally.
we're all stories in the end. just make it a good one, eh? because it was, you know. it was the best.
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- Dwarf Thief
- Posts: 385
- Joined: Wed 10th Oct 2007
- Location: Right behind you... BOO!
Re: Jokes!!!
No infighting, please! Goddamit, these petty squabbles are really starting to piss me off! HS9, stop finding fault in evrything that Ink does. Ink, don't lash out at people that insult you. I think you've been unfairly run down as a bad guy by everyone but that doesn't give you the right to be an asshole to everyone. Save your eminity for pm's, or leave it out all together, both of you,and for gods sake, stop ruining it for everyone else! To everybody else, sorry about this outburst, but I'm just sick of this.
Hello again.
- BlackOpal
- Fangathering Fever patient
- Posts: 8022
- Joined: Sun 22nd Oct 2006
- Location: Posh Isolation
- Contact:
Re: Jokes!!!
Nutrino- it is over. This post was over a week ago and Inkheart is banned for other episodes.
Nothing ended up coming of it. It's okay. Please do not stray off-topic to talk about something that ended a week ago.
Father's day jokes!
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
_________________________
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
_________________________
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
_________________________
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
_________________________
Not that funny. Well, the first one was. But 'tis the season.
Nothing ended up coming of it. It's okay. Please do not stray off-topic to talk about something that ended a week ago.
Father's day jokes!
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
_________________________
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
_________________________
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
_________________________
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
_________________________
Not that funny. Well, the first one was. But 'tis the season.
Thanks to darvit and /b/for my signature.
And thanks Kagoma, for the awesome birthday present that is the C&H sprite!
You can't take the sky from me.
1/4/10- The end of the world as you know it
And it's just the beginning...
And thanks Kagoma, for the awesome birthday present that is the C&H sprite!
You can't take the sky from me.
1/4/10- The end of the world as you know it
And it's just the beginning...
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- Dwarf Thief
- Posts: 385
- Joined: Wed 10th Oct 2007
- Location: Right behind you... BOO!
Re: Jokes!!!
Sorry about that, but my internet connection can get faulty and sometimes my posts get lost in cyberspace for a few days. I posted that (I think) two days before Inkheart was banned. Anyway, blonde joke:
A blonde woman was in a boat propped up by concrete blocks in the middle of a field beside a road. She was trying to row it but as she was on land, nothing was happening. A car drove by on the road and the driver got out. The driver was a second blonde woman. "It's people like you that give us blondes a bad name!" the second blonde woman shouted. She went on to say "If I could swim, I'd go there and kick your ***!"
A blonde woman was in a boat propped up by concrete blocks in the middle of a field beside a road. She was trying to row it but as she was on land, nothing was happening. A car drove by on the road and the driver got out. The driver was a second blonde woman. "It's people like you that give us blondes a bad name!" the second blonde woman shouted. She went on to say "If I could swim, I'd go there and kick your ***!"
Hello again.
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- Gnome
- Posts: 49
- Joined: Thu 12th Jun 2008
- Location: No where fun or even cool..//-L\\\
Re: Jokes!!!
This might be offensive to some... If you are a blond.
A Blond, a Redhead, and a Burnette walked into the forest, the burnette came out with a buck and the redhead and blonde asked, " Where'd you find that?". The Burnette answered, " I followed the tracks and found it." So the next day the Redhead went into the forest and came out with a Elk and the Blond asked, " Where'd you get that?" The Redhead answered, " I followed the tracks and this is what I found." The Blond went into the forest and came out, The Redhead and the Burnette asked, " Why are you in th hospital?" The Blond answered, " I followed the tracks and a train hit me......"
I'm sorry if that offened anyone. More:
What did the wall say to the other wall?
Meet yeh at the corner! I know, I know... It's corney.
A Blond, a Redhead, and a Burnette walked into the forest, the burnette came out with a buck and the redhead and blonde asked, " Where'd you find that?". The Burnette answered, " I followed the tracks and found it." So the next day the Redhead went into the forest and came out with a Elk and the Blond asked, " Where'd you get that?" The Redhead answered, " I followed the tracks and this is what I found." The Blond went into the forest and came out, The Redhead and the Burnette asked, " Why are you in th hospital?" The Blond answered, " I followed the tracks and a train hit me......"
I'm sorry if that offened anyone. More:
What did the wall say to the other wall?
Meet yeh at the corner! I know, I know... It's corney.
- 2bAgen.
- Dwarf Thief
- Posts: 382
- Joined: Tue 23rd Oct 2007
Re: Jokes!!!
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
Dahh... I have not been here in zonks.
Bet you don't remember me!
Bet you don't remember me!
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- Mud-Man
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Sat 23rd Feb 2008
Re: Jokes!!!
A lawyer was driving to work and was in a very bad car crash. He was bleeding bad and had internal organ damage.While the lawyer was trapped inside his car all he could complain about was his damaged car.
The person trying to help him said, "you lawyers are so materialistic. You're complaining about your smashed car even though your hand was chopped off during the accident."
The lawyer looked totally horrified and said, "My Rollex!!!"
Now here is a dead baby joke that some people may find offensive, so it is covered.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
The person trying to help him said, "you lawyers are so materialistic. You're complaining about your smashed car even though your hand was chopped off during the accident."
The lawyer looked totally horrified and said, "My Rollex!!!"
Now here is a dead baby joke that some people may find offensive, so it is covered.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
- 017350
- Dwarf Thief
- Posts: 452
- Joined: Wed 19th Dec 2007
- Location: Neverland
Re: Jokes!!!
Another Blonde joke.
________________________________________________________________________
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde beings to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter. Sees her and unplugs the horse.
________________________________________________________________________
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde beings to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter. Sees her and unplugs the horse.
- /b/
- LEP Commander
- Posts: 2449
- Joined: Tue 15th Jan 2008
- Location: Dans la Boulevard de la Revolution :D
Re: Jokes!!!
snoring_egomaniac wrote:A lawyer was driving to work and was in a very bad car crash. He was bleeding bad and had internal organ damage.While the lawyer was trapped inside his car all he could complain about was his damaged car.
The person trying to help him said, "you lawyers are so materialistic. You're complaining about your smashed car even though your hand was chopped off during the accident."
The lawyer looked totally horrified and said, "My Rollex!!!"
Now here is a dead baby joke that some people may find offensive, so it is covered.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
Great
I knew the first one from before, but the second one is brilliant
Also, I like the Bobby the Wal-Mart one