Jokes!!!

Want to have a laugh? Know a funny link youd like to share? All in here!

Re: Jokes!!!

Postby Miasaki-chan » Wed 27th May 2009

Steven Wright 22
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

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I don't get this. I'm wondering if you peeps do.
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The Prank 'I won't be supprised if you can't guess it, it was kinda triksty :P'
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby dishwasher » Mon 1st Jun 2009

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "for the third time, yes!"

__________________________________________________________________

That was extremely funny to me, but it took me a moment to get it.
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby p5ychic » Thu 4th Jun 2009

Here's two really bad ones:

When is a door not a door? When it's a Jar.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear. (You may have to read that out loud/be familiar with star trek to get that one)
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby /b/ » Thu 4th Jun 2009

P5YCHIC wrote:When is a door not a door? When it's a Jar.


When is a jar not a jar? When it's Jar Jar :P :awesome:

And I loved the Final Front Ear one :awesome:
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby Artemis Lore » Sun 7th Jun 2009

The final front ear one is so funny.
A thanksgiving joke you might not get.
"A man goes into a pet shop and buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. T o stop the insults he puts the parrot in the refrigerator. Later the insults stop, thinking he might have hurt the bird he goes and takes him out. After a minuet the parrot asks, "S-so w-what exactly d-did the t-turkey do?"
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby ArtemisFowlfan96 » Mon 8th Jun 2009

lol! These r all so funny! ok.
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Cause seven eight nine.
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Now some 'Holy Humor'!
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
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Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question:
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven..."
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up"
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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Give me a sense of humor, Lord, give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk.
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Now a dumb blond joke!
Two blonde girls were working for the local council public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
The world is a strange place....

Dr. Spencer Reid, played by Matthew Gray Gubler, on Criminal Minds, is the most amazing guy in the world. And HE'S ALL MINE!!!

The rain smells... interesting. It's... intoxicating. I can't stop... sniffing it. Don't worry... if I get... high....

"Do you think it's possible to feel homesick, even when you're at home?"
---Julie from Saturday's Warrior


Love hurts like a sharp arrow--why else would everyone draw an arrow through their hearts? But going without it hurts even more.

"I do my thing and you do your thing; you are you and I am I; but if in the end we end up together, it's beautiful."
---Topanga from Boy Meets World
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby Artemis Lore » Mon 8th Jun 2009

A girl walks into a doctor office complaining that every part of her body that she pokes hurts really badly. After examining her the doctor says, "Your finger is broken."
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby jsreed5 » Tue 9th Jun 2009

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick a person straight out of the space-time continuum. Artemis Fowl taught him how to do it.

Swine Flu doesn't really exist. A Mud Man scientist saw No1 with his friend Ho1.

Fairies invented astro-turf hundreds of years ago. It's a good example of Foaly-age.

Good Housekeeping once ran an article on how good etiquette helped in maintaining a good house, and Artemis Fowl's home was used as a n example. The article was called "Fowl Manors."

Artemis Fowl can design and animate Master Chief in 5 minutes. And if Master Chief can destroy worlds with a throw, what can Artemis Fowl do?

Artemis Fowl proved that the laws of physics can be broken. Chuck Norris immediately subscribed to the concept.
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby hiholly123 » Wed 10th Jun 2009

Three girls are walking, after robbing a bank, they go to the grocery store to see what they can buy.
One of them is a burnett, one of them is a redhead, and one is a blonde. They're just getting inside, when the police jump in. "Freeze!" they shout. There are three of them.
The girls know that they're looking for them, so they jump into the biggest grocery bags they can find and cover themselves in stuff.
The three police clear out the area and approach the three bags sitting side by side. The first police officer comes to the bag with the burnett in it and kicks it. The burnett, scared, says nothing. "Just a sack of potatoes," the cop says.
The second cop comes up to the bag with the redhead in it and kicks hard. The redhead clenches her teeth and is quiet, not wanting to reveal herself. "Another bag of potatoes," he says.
The last police officer comes and shoves the bag with the blonde in it. "I think this is..." he mumurs....."Potatoes?" a small voice from the bag suggests.
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby Miasaki-chan » Tue 15th Sep 2009

JOKE OF ZE DAY!!!

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby dixieduffy » Fri 23rd Oct 2009

ArtemisFowlfan96 your cat looks odly like my sisters cat :? :shock: sooo what dose this mean?
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby dixieduffy » Fri 23rd Oct 2009

what is the only difrnce between a blond and a brunet loking in a mirror...the brunet knows shes looking at herself
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby Miasaki-chan » Sun 25th Oct 2009

ummm....

how do you get Lili Frond to laugh on a Tuesday?

Tell her a joke on Sunday.

It is so freaking easy to just apply dumb blond jokes to Lili Frond. ^_^
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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby partyonsoccerfan » Sat 7th Nov 2009

My friend told me this really stupid joke.
Why was Tigger looking at the toilet?
Because he was lookinbg for Pooh.
Take a look at me 'cause I could not care at all

Posf's quote of the week!
“No one should be in pain. Everyone should love themselves. Like I love you all.”
~Gerard Way


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Re: Jokes!!!

Postby Cabaline » Fri 16th Aug 2013

Why was the Cucumber embarrassed?
Because it saw the salad-dressing

What did the horse say when it fell over?
Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here, I'm going on ahead

What kind of computer sings?
A dell

What lays at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Two thieves go into a church. One says "Take everything that isn't nailed down!", the other says "So that's everything except Jesus"

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
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